Emotional Manipulation and Expectations in South Asian Households

Before trying to change the South Asian community, you must understand it first.

By Jakia Mim

The release of diverse representation in Western media has finally brought South Asians into the spotlight, from Netflix’s “Never Have I Ever” to Marvel’s “Ms. Marvel.” Both shows display how a South Asian’s identity is shaped by their family and background. However, these topics continue to go unnoticed in real-time.

Many South Asian households are rooted in toxicity. 

Sarah Ahmed, a South Asian psychologist and co-founder of the company WellNest, wrote in an article, “We Need to Talk About Guilt Culture in South Asian Communities, that “South Asian culture emphasizes family loyalty, obligation, self-sacrifice, and obedience towards elders.” This makes it hard for South Asians to branch out of those social norms without feeling emotionally trapped and not wanting to disappoint those closest to them or their heritage.

Emotional manipulation and guilt culture are the leading mental health destructors in South Asian homes. Ahmed’s article focuses on this idea. Guilt culture uses guilt to influence someone to follow “socially acceptable behavior” and is an attempt to control them. What is considered socially acceptable depends on the person. For South Asians, guilt culture is centered around people following cultural norms and not branching out into Western ideas. 

This concept is essential to many elders as they don’t want their children to lose their cultural practices and traditions. However, it’s also a way adults make their children face many of the same difficulties they experienced, generally meeting expectations in a heavily patriarchal society.

A woman working while being accompanied by a child in Kaptai, Bangladesh. Credit: Priom/Unsplash

South Asian parents tend to use emotional manipulation to control their child’s behavior to their liking. Examples include guilting them or giving them an ultimatum, often due to a disagreement. 

“When you don’t understand their viewpoint or you push back against it, they’re like ‘OK you’re gonna understand when I die,’ and then it’s like, ‘Am I causing you so much anguish, you’d much rather be dead?’” says Tanzila Rahman, a 26-year-old Bengali woman, discussing a common experience for those with an ethnic or immigrant background. 

Syeda Asha, a 17-year-old Bengali girl, brought up a very similar example when asked about emotional manipulation in her household. 

The problem begins with the mental health of South Asian immigrant parents.

A United Kingdom study referenced in “Mental Health and Stress Among South Asians” — an article published in the Journal of Immigrant and Minority Health — showed “middle-aged Pakistani men and older Indian and Pakistani women reported significantly higher rates of depression and anxiety” compared to white people of a similar age, while also factoring in people’s social and financial backgrounds. 

Due to cultural stigma, South Asian elders refuse to go to therapy. This then develops into a cycle as adults spread those views and project their mental health onto their children. 

This generation’s mental health issues date back to the elders. Parents enforce strict rules on their kids. However, they were taught these ideas by their parents. Many are manipulated into believing they have to follow those views and have no choice – they’re told it’s the best option when living in a third-world country. 

An elderly woman sitting on an elevated platform in front of a house, blocking her eyes from the sun, in Palpa, Nepal. Credit: Prijun Koirala/Unsplash

To escape the limits of their country, many South Asian adults immigrate to first-world countries and are often forced into marriages they don't want, as they're guilted into it by their families. “This will give us a better life,” is often what they are told, and as a result, most marriages are often unhappy. With all the conflicts that arise after immigration, plus family issues and burdens, many immigrants’ mental health becomes tainted. 

According to a study referenced in the Journal of Immigrant and Minority Health, “stresses in familial relationships, aging, isolation, migration, stigma, economic difficulties, and discrimination were all cited as reasons for depression.” The article also states that South Asian women are perceived as inferior within the community, which is why many sexist and misogynistic limits are projected onto kids by their parents. 

Double standards between South Asian men and women have become a laughing point in the community.

On TikTok, many South Asian women comment on the topic and laugh as a way to cope. A video by TikTok creator @simplyysri, labeled “every girl with strict parents,” jokes about all the things brown girls will do to avoid the strict rules in their household and try not to get caught. For example, they will lie about where they're going or who they're on the phone with and change into less modest clothes after they leave the house. Another TikTok from user @itsgurnaz makes fun of how a South Asian girl is expected to come home at 9 p.m., and if they're 30 minutes late, they will receive consequences from their parents.

Rahman says when she lived with her family as an adult, she often got home from work around 1 a.m. Because of this, she would get slut-shamed and become the topic of family gossip. Meanwhile, her little brother, who was still in high school at the time, would come home even later without telling anyone, and he wouldn’t receive a word. “Here I am, grown, and they’re trying to police me more than their actual minor child,” she says.

The mothers of the women in these examples likely also faced similar limitations from their families. The Journal of Immigrant and Minority Health reveals that South Asian immigrant women receive the brunt of cultural regulations and are highly susceptible to mental health issues, including eating disorders, depression, self-harm, insomnia and anxiety.

Though both immigrant parents and their children face many of the same guilt culture and emotional manipulation experiences, it affects this generation somewhat differently due to different environments. The TikTok “every girl with strict parents” by @simplyysri is a good example displaying this. 

Immigrant parents were raised in third-world countries, and hence, felt forced to undergo all of these difficulties since they were happening in every household, making it hard to escape. However, their children being raised in a country full of Western ideals makes it easier and more motivating for them to bypass the restrictions put on them. Both may feel confined and wish to seek freedom, but the older generation is more scared of not fitting into their cultural ideals, while the youth is more desperate to escape it. 

Though South Asians are one community, the different generations are very divided. So there are multiple ways to cause an impact. Spreading awareness, especially among the elderly, is key. 

Rajdeep Brar, a University of the Fraser Valley alum, feels South Asian focus groups or people of influence speaking about mental health in the media could improve it. More people talking about this issue could break the stigma around mental health and persuade others to seek therapy, he says. 

Rahman believes healthy marriages could also be a game changer for the South Asian community. Immigrant parents are usually so unhappy due to their forced marriage that constant arguing and abuse have become common in South Asian households, according to “Mental Health and Stress Among South Asians.” Healthy marriages would completely solve this issue. 

A good deal of South Asians don’t believe their community issues are possible to fix, but Brar says “it is possible.”

“By taking smaller steps and starting from scratch, it can be gradually improved.”